can i have someone for my own?

I wish I had one, even if only in my imagination
someone who will be in awe of me
and who will be awe inspiring to me

with whom smiles can be traded merely
with whom I can let the tears flow freely

who will put me above all and
who I can put above myself

I want to be sacrificing and naive and carefree
not hold back or be gullible or worry
maybe it's too much to ask
even from my very own heart

when one does not fully love oneself
is it possible to seek it from outside

would it be in the form of a bark, a meow or a silent shoulder
or would it all empty into the void of my mind

And the mind goes numb

with words failing to deliver intent
the voices rise
the same words repeated
over and over again in quick succession

the desperation tunes up the volume
the desperation to be heard, to be understood
the words slash through the flesh trying to reach the heart
but these words cause pain
will your pain give awareness to mine?
oh no! only our pains are foremost in this world

the pitches fervently increase only to abruptly stop
with the whizzing sound of blood rushing to the head,
the blistering pain of a parched throat
the ache of a lonely heart
just to be heard and felt

and then it all stops
when the limit is hit
and the mind goes numb
when a sudden realization dawns
angst and anguish replaced by loss
loss of faith
loss of willingness to struggle
loss of hope
then the darkness sets in
and brings a singular light
one where the heart accepts its loneliness

surrounded by your people but lonely all the same

to be surrounded but not heard
or felt
or understood
is a heaviness to carry
but a baggage that one cannot seem to toss

the voice comes back in a while
all the screeching and desperation resumes
but with full blast on the inside
the numbness exists only on the outside
unable to keep up with all the myriad emotions clanging within

behind closed doors of the heart
lie scattered the remains of
crushed dreams, broken promises and pure neglect
slowly these twist the knife a lit bit deeper
can feel a stab of pain, faint and lingering
begging for a physical connect
at least through pain
and it takes all of one's effort to not give in